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What Do I Say to My Children?
Mary W. Temke, Ph.D. Extension Specialist, Human Development, University of
New Hampshire Cooperative Extension
Reprinted with permission of the University of New Hampshire Extension Service
"Who did this?" "Why did they want to hurt all
those people?" "Why are they so angry at our country?" "Are
they going to hurt our family?"
These are just some questions children are asking following the terrorist
attacks in New York and Washington. Many parents find it painful and difficult
to answer their children's questions and respond to their fears and anxieties.
Although parents want to protect their children from horror, it's difficult to
keep them from seeing and hearing the media's coverage of the recent events.
What can parents say and do to comfort their children? Much of what they say
will probably depend on their children's ages and personalities. Preschool
children may be very frightened of the sights and sounds of the destruction they
see on television. They sense from their parents and others that something is
terribly wrong, but aren't able to understand the situation. Because of their
fear, preschoolers may want to stay close, or cling, to their parents or
guardians. They may regress and start to suck their thumb or use baby talk. It's
important for parents to recognize these signs of fear and realize their
children aren't being bad.
School-age children are old enough to understand the images they see on
television and may become very frightened about the danger to our country. Most
school-age children will ask many questions about the disaster to cope with
their fear and confusion. Because of their stage of intellectual development,
teens also will have questions about the terrorist attacks and may want to
discuss the events in detail.
Issues related to ethics, politics and their own involvement in a potential war
may be common topics among teens. Although difficult, it's important for parents
and other adults to talk to children about the current situation. Here are some
suggestions that might help:
- Ask children what they have heard or what they think or
feel about the terrorist attacks. This will let them know it's okay to talk
about the events and to express their feelings. It also will help parents
clear up any misinformation their children might have and to learn about the
support they need.
- Answer children's questions as openly and honestly as
possible. "I don't know," "It's very confusing and
complicated," or "I'm feeling sad and angry about the
situation" can be honest answers to some of children's most difficult
questions.
- Reassure children - without telling them such events will
never happen again. Today's children know terrorist attacks happen in other
parts of the world, and now can happen in the United States. Honest yet
reassuring statements are, "I'll always try to keep you safe," or
"Many adults throughout our country are working very hard to keep all
children and families safe."
- Monitor and restrict children's exposure to the media.
Repeated exposure to the destruction can be traumatic for young children or
highly sensitive children, so turn off the television. Watch the news with
older children so you can respond to their questions, discuss the attacks,
and help them cope with their feelings and concerns.
- Keep family routines as consistent as possible. Adults and
children gain a sense of security when routines are maintained. For example,
keep meal, homework and bed times consistent.
- If children are reluctant to talk about their feelings,
don't force them. Allow them to express their feelings and thoughts through
play. Preschool and school-age children may find comfort through playing
games or drawing pictures. Older children and teens may play sports, listen
to music, write or do artwork. By watching children's actions, you may find
opportunities to intervene and discuss their feelings. Don't be surprised if
children destroy their drawings or knock down structures they've built from
blocks or other materials. By creating their perceptions of events through
play, children gain an understanding of their world and a sense of control
over their emotions.
- Help children understand bad things happen in life, but
things will get better. Due to their limited life experiences, children and
teens may not understand this concept. Involving them in efforts to help the
victims and/or their families not only develops caring and empathy in
children, but may restore their sense of hopefulness.
- Although it may be easy to blame others, children need to
understand that certain individuals were responsible for the terrorist
attacks. Adults can help children learn to live successfully in our world by
avoiding the stereotyping of people based on religion, race, ethnicity, or
culture and by modeling tolerance and non-violent ways of handling conflict.
- In the next days and weeks spend as much time with your
children as you can or keep in close contact with them by phone or e-mail.
Although teens may not acknowledge it, children of all ages feel safe when
they know their parents or guardians are safe, love them, and will continue
to care for them.
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